Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas Day 2012

It's Christmas day.  The oldest just walked through the living room in a stupor headed for the bathroom then returned to his room and went back to bed.  I'm not sure he's even conscious.  I'm not sure I am.

What happened to the day when the boys couldn't wait to get up and see what Santa had brought them?  What happened to the day when I couldn't wait FOR them to get up and see what Santa had brought them?  Right, that sort of died when they found out who Santa really was.  The glitter fell off of the day.  The shine left and now, it's not much more than a regular day.

At least that's what this one feels like.  Of course, we've never really made a huge deal out of it probably because until this year, Hannukah was a big deal, but even this year that was just a blip.

I'm not sure why.  Maybe because there's been death and loss and heartache for much of the year.  Maybe because we said goodbye to good friends and family.  Maybe because child-like left this house.  Maybe...maybe....maybe....

I remember when I found out who Santa was and I was crushed.  It felt like I was forced to grow up and leave child-like behind.  There have been many other events in my life that has forced me to leave child-like behind and I'm discovering that I have some resentments about that.  I know--I know--resentments are poison.  I'm working to identify and release them.  There was a photo on facebook that read something to the effect of forgive and release.  That's my new year's resolution but don't get me started about those.  That's an entirely different post.

Christmas is a big deal, or at least it should be.  Not because of the material things that come along with it.  That's a product of brilliant marketing and greed.  It should be a big deal because of the emotions and sentiment that comes with it, the traditions that many of us have created and fostered over the years, because it brings the child-like back.  It should be a big deal because of what it puts into our hearts.  It should be a bigger deal because it should reinforce that what we feel around this season should be felt and practiced all year.  

Why do we hold one day out to give a gift?  To express our feelings for one another?  Why is it safe for only one day to do this?  Why have we set ourselves up like this?  Why have we made one day to either elate us or set ourselves up for a grand disappointment?  

Maybe this day should be just like any other day.

Or maybe, just maybe, all the Who's down in Whoville, all the creatures big and small, should make every day just like this one special day.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Girls Who Drive Pickup Trucks

I love 'em.  There's just something about a girl who drives a pickup truck.  She has attitude.  She has a swagger--some bigger than others.  In a former life, she probably rode bulls and in this life probably rides figurative bulls.

A girl who drives a truck gets looked at.  Some people are thinking, "What the hell?' and others are thinking, "Wow."  Some are thinking, "what a weirdo," and some are thinking, "holy hell, she's doable."  Some avoid girls who drive trucks and some go out seeking them.

Whatever the case, girls who drive trucks get noticed.

I drive a truck.  It's a truck that suits me and represents me.  She's bossy and comes down the road sprinkling attitude everywhere she goes.  She has blemishes and externally looks like hell chewed her up and spit her out but she is a monster workhorse when it counts.  So do I.

I have attitude when I drive her.  I feel strong.  I notice people noticing and just don't give a shit.  I drive a truck.  I drive that truck for a reason, because THAT truck doesn't look like any other truck on the road.  Because THAT truck gets cranky when I get cranky and gets quiet when I get quiet.  Because THAT truck will pull and push and drag and carry and haul and work when I need her to work.  So do I.

I love my truck.  I love that there are other people who love that I drive that truck.  I love that there are other people who love me because I drive that truck.  I love that there are other people who understand me either because I drive that truck or in spite of it.  I love that I don't really care what other people think about me driving that truck.

I'm a girl who drives a truck.  Cope.

Monday, November 12, 2012


Perspective.  According to Webster, it means: 



  [per-spek-tiv]  Show IPA
a technique of depicting volumes and spatial relationships on aflat surface. Compare aerial perspectivelinear perspective.
a picture employing this technique, especially one in which it isprominent: an architect's perspective of a house.
a visible scene, especially one extending to a distance; vista: aperspective on the main axis of an estate.
the state of existing in space before the eye: The elevations lookall right, but the building's composition is a failure in perspective.
the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in havinga meaningful interrelationship: You have to live here a few years
  tosee local conditions in perspective.
This speaks of distance and the physical relationship of one object to another.  I supposed I could use this to put relational importance on my problems as compared to those around me.  
Sometimes, we get so caught up in our own thinking and surviving that we forget about others.  Our problems become huge, in our minds, because we have nothing to compare them to.  
My house is a wreck.  That is a huge problem for me but unless something reminds me, I forget that there are others out there who have no house.  That puts my problem into perspective.
I have a cold and it sucks and for me, in this moment, it's about all I can think of.  And then--something reminds me.  I have friends who have loved ones who may not make it through the night.  I have friends who have lost loved ones recently.  Puts my cold into perspective.
I have had several reminders today that as large as I may think my problems are, there are those out there who have problems much worse than mine.  Puts my stuff into perspective.  Finding perspective gets me to grateful.  Getting to grateful gives me grace.  Grace gives me strength and strength gives me courage which helps me examine my perspective
And spun from that circle is peace.  
Today, I have peace and all that goes with it.  Tomorrow will bring a new perspective.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Good Grief

Apparently, my emotional shit storm isn't over.  I had an experience this last Saturday and it's awakened something in me, or at the very least made me aware of something I have probably had all along but didn't trust it, believe it, know it....pick one.

I was sitting on the futon this morning and just suddenly started crying.  That's not me.  That's someone else, only I don't know who....well, maybe I do.  

I was told once that in most of my past lives, I've been a healer.  I believe I am in this life too.  I look back and see how many people would come to me just to talk and whatever words I found seemed to help them--even when the words weren't all that nice.  

It happens at work too.  I have a big white chair in my office and I'll have a parade of people come sit in it and the next thing I know, I know their life story or I know their most recent emotional injury and when they leave, they tell me they feel better.  Go figure because I'm not really a warm and fuzzy personality.

I know I've had people come to me just because of how I hug them.  Bear hug, not this cheek to cheek shit.  Hugs heal.

I've had people call me and ask me to just talk them to sleep.  I know what you're thinking--"It's because you bore them into sleep."  To you, I'd say, "Bite me."  I believe it's part of my gift.

So, whatever messages, images, thoughts or feelings I'm now aware of are meant to heal.  I  just have to figure out how to use it and on whom.  I also have to find a teacher because if I don't learn how to control this, my head will fly apart.

Welcome to midlife.

Saturday, November 3, 2012


Today was an interesting and enlightening day.  It was beautiful.  Sunny.  Hot.  My morning started with a bike ride with 117 other bikes to help raise money for the Ronald McDonald House, a place where families stay who have children with catastrophic illnesses.  So, I started my day grateful.

Pulling into the parking lot of the House filled me with peace and the knowledge that I would do something good today.

The good I did there wasn't the good I would do today.  That good came later and is, hopefully, still coming.

Today was a private gathering for a woman whom I felt an attachment with only I didn't know why until today.  I was included in the private gathering which felt right but had me scratching my head. I knew that this woman would always make a point to come sit with me and talk to me.  She sat close, touching, but it didn't feel odd to have her in my space.  It felt right.  Familiar.  Old.  Comfortable.

So, I went but not just for me.  It turns out I was there for someone else, only I didn't know it until I hugged her and then I knew why.  And that felt right too.

At some point, everybody went inside because someone was going to say a few words.  I tried to go in even though I was in my motorcycle gear, standing out like a sore thumb but I didn't care because she didn't care.  I just couldn't stay in the house.  Something wouldn't let me go in beyond the entryway and something kept pulling my back outside.

So, there I was in the front yard when it hit me.  She was there.  I felt her.  I asked if it was her and started crying because she was sad.  She very clearly told me to tell everyone there that she was sad because we were sad and she didn't want that.  She told me that she was exactly where she was supposed to be.  She told me that I was there because she was supposed to tell me that.  She also told me that I was there to help hold someone else up.

It lasted for only a moment but touched me deeply.  

I hope those who need to hear this hear it or read it and realize that it's meant for them.

If nothing else, learn this--If you feel something for someone then tell them before it's too late.  Tomorrow isn't a given.

Friday, November 2, 2012



Friends.  What makes one?  What are the rules, if any?  I'm having to think about this because it appears that who I counted as friends has changed or is changing and maybe that's they it should be.  Some friends remain with us for life.  They may drift close then away then close again but they're always there.  Sort of like something floating at the edge of the surf...in...out...in...out.

Do you out grow people?  Probably.  I believe that we all travel in spheres of time and for a while, certain people will travel with us and then they fall out of the sphere to travel at their own pace.  Sort of like the turtles in the western current in Nemo.  If you pop out of that current, you lose ground and either you can catch back up or you can't.

They say that when the student is ready to learn, the teacher appears.  I would suppose that once the student learns the lesson, the teacher disappears.  Makes sense.  The real trick is to figure out what the lesson is, and for some, we may never figure out what that lesson was because our vision is clouded with grief or anger and we refuse to either work through it or let it go.

So, for your own sake, you grieve the loss of that friend, because it is truly a loss, and then you move on.  You go through all of the stages and them come out better on the other end.  You learn to become self-aware, self-conscious and by that I mean "self" conscious, not self-paranoid.  We develop and understanding of who we are and why we are who we are.  We have the "ah ha" moment of realizing that everything that has happened to us has made us who we are in this moment.  We also begin to realize that who we are right now is not who we will be next week or sometimes even by the end of the day.  

The awesome thing is that through the process and through the contact with that person, you make other contacts and other people show up in your life to teach you something else.  We are always learning and as humans, our life is experiental.  It has to be or we wither and die, if not physically, certainly emotionally and spiritually.  And some of the experiences we have, we go into knowing it is going to hurt but we are compelled to do it anyway.  Because we just have to touch that hot stove, or that live wire (which I've done) because we just can't believe that it will hurt us and when it does, we're surprised.  Or are we?

I  believe that our souls travel in a pack and have since the beginning, whenever that was.  Our souls chose to incarnate because there is either a lesson they have to learn or the souls around them do.  When I realized that my soul has chosen to put me in this circumstance and surround me with the people and the experiences it has, I had two reactions:  one of anger because why in the hell would my soul make me go through some of the things I'm going through now or have gone through?  And one of relief because it means I'm doing and feeling and experiencing exactly what I'm supposed to.

My circle of souls has experienced a great deal of loss lately either through physical death or through the migration of friends.  If you close your eyes and picture a rope of light extending from your heart out to the hearts of the other souls in your circle, you should see something that resembles a spider web...or a dream catcher.  You should see ropes of light that go from soul to soul without a direct line to you.  And the more people we touch, the brighter that light becomes.  It has to.  It lights the darkness and eventually, you would see enough ropes that it looks solid with no room for darkness.  

And if you keep looking, you will see that none of the strands are disconnected because while the physical person may leave, their soul still travels in the circle and though we may never again know them as who they are in this life, we'll be with that soul again.  We will be a brother or a sister or a lover or a wife or a husband or a friend or a child or a mother or a father or whatever our soul and their soul needs us to be.

So, while my circle has lost some people important to us, my soul space still blazes with the bright light of my soul circle.  Some in my circle, including me, will grieve the loss of one in this circle.  We will be sad and angry and feel lost and bewildered and struggle to understand the how and the why but if we take a moment and look within we will all see that the light is still there and still just as bright.

And that's comforting and gives me strength.

Friday, October 26, 2012

I Know What's Wrong with Me

So, you know, I've been doing the weight loss journey which has started some emotional sloughing off as well.  And that's kind of interesting because as you know, when you lose a layer of skin, the layer underneath is very tender and sensitive to the slightest little things.  I'm finding that to be true now.  One emotional layer is lifted and the one revealed is just bloody hypersensitive.

As one also knows, when that layer heals, it's usually a little more rugged than the one before so, as the saying goes, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.  As each layer is revealed and allowed to heal, I only get stronger.

Maybe more honest with myself, which is just a frightening thing for me.  I've always been able to compartmentalize my life and I still do.  I'm good at it.  But, I'm finding that I don't have to do it as often as I used to.

I'm also learning that there are things that I just don't have time for.  For instance, a long, hard and fast rule for me is don't lie to me.  I can tolerate theft, a body check, an insult and hatred as long as it's honest.  I can't abide a liar because all you have is your word and I place my friendship and trust in your word.  You screw that up and the foundation of my friendship and trust is blown ALL to hell.  It's happened.

I have less energy for the energy vampires out there and we all have them.  People who just try to suck the wind and juice out of you.  If you aren't willing to try and make changes to make things better then SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I don't have time for you anymore.

I've learned that this emotional trip has opened me to new friendships and experiences and I like it.  I still don't like crowds and prefer smaller settings with close friends but am not opposed to going to large parties.  Just not all the time.

I don't have time for fake and I find that at a lot of large parties.  People who will be nice to your face then spit on the floor when you walk away.  Don't like that.  See comment about energy vampires.

As I go through this emotional purging, my filter is getting thinner and thinner.  If you ask me a question and don't like the answer, don't get angry with me.  Check your own self cuz that's your issue, not mine.

And finally, you may not like me when all of this is over.  That's ok.  If you can't stick with me through this then...well...fuck off.  I needed to get rid of you in the first place.

BTW...I was 217 this morning.  Started at 24.5.  I'm 3lbs away from my 5% goal.  Bouyah!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012



I've started a journey.  I finally reached a point in which I was uncomfortable enough to do something about my weight so I started Weight Watchers.  After seeing how well my co-worker has done I figured it would work for me.

Apparently I was right because I see results on the scales.  I started at 224.5 and am now at 214.2.  I need to see change and I am or I get discouraged and quit.

It's also started an emotional purging.  I'm releasing old regrets, old memories. people, anything that is bad for me.  While this is a good thing, it's hard because those old regrets and memories had become like armor for me and to be stripping those away--well, it leaves me vulnerable, open and raw and in a state which would allow me to be easily taken advantage of so I have to stay on heightened alert which is exhausting.

It's necessary though.  I've written down feelings and regrets that I need to let go and have burned them.  I've done some other things to help release what I need to release.  And after doing that I feel freer but have to remain vigilant so that they don't creep back in.

It's a work in progress.  Hang with me through this.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

It's been hot

And I feel guilty for not being busy outside.  Go figure.  Actually, I've felt this need to be outside for whatever reason.  I'm feeling closed in if I'm inside 6 walls.  I'm not sure what that's about.

I had a tarot reading not long ago that said money was coming and things were changing at work.  Not sure if they're related and not sure if my need to be outside is related to that.  Maybe the change at work is because I'm feeling squeezed where I am and I'm about to burst out.

Like the Hulk.

Only not turning green.

Maybe like the catepillar and the butterfly.

Change is coming, I feel it.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Happy New Year

Well, so far, it's been uneventful which is exactly how I like it.  Last year was a mess.  An emotional roller coaster that wore me the fuck OUT.  I'm not looking for a repeat.  


I've been reading all of the New Year's Resolutions that people are making.  "I resolve to lose weight or I resolve to eat less sugar or I resolve to...blah blah blah.  My resolution?  I resolve to be a grumpy hardass on only the days ending in Y.  How's that?  I'm pretty sure I can keep that one.  There are some I'd like to give a go at such as not eating sugar and refined white flour and white rice.  I'll give a go at not yelling at my children or spouse.  I'll give a go at have more compassion at work which means I'll be sympathetic when I fire someone.  I'll still fire them but I'll have feelings about it.  I'll give a go at not worrying about money and bills.  There is no debtors prison anymore so what's the worst that can happen?  I know how to live in a tent.

Moving on....

My horoscope for this year keeps talking about movement in my career.  Whatever.  Not seeing that happen because that would require that some people in my group leave and I don't see that happening for a long time soooooooooo.....

Anyway, it's a new year.  I have good friends and a good family.  My boys aren't in jail and haven't gotten anybody pregnant so I'm grateful for that.  I have a spouse that is still managing to run the household and do meaningful volunteer work which is remarkable.  All in all, I'm pretty happy even though I don't wear that happiness on my shirt sleeve.  No, that spot on my shirt sleeve is probably hotwing sauce.

I do have one wish and that is to be funny.  Making people laugh is a good thing.  I'll work on that.  On days ending in Y.  Those Y days are filling up with busy work already.  Jeez