Friday, October 26, 2012

I Know What's Wrong with Me

So, you know, I've been doing the weight loss journey which has started some emotional sloughing off as well.  And that's kind of interesting because as you know, when you lose a layer of skin, the layer underneath is very tender and sensitive to the slightest little things.  I'm finding that to be true now.  One emotional layer is lifted and the one revealed is just bloody hypersensitive.

As one also knows, when that layer heals, it's usually a little more rugged than the one before so, as the saying goes, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.  As each layer is revealed and allowed to heal, I only get stronger.

Maybe more honest with myself, which is just a frightening thing for me.  I've always been able to compartmentalize my life and I still do.  I'm good at it.  But, I'm finding that I don't have to do it as often as I used to.

I'm also learning that there are things that I just don't have time for.  For instance, a long, hard and fast rule for me is don't lie to me.  I can tolerate theft, a body check, an insult and hatred as long as it's honest.  I can't abide a liar because all you have is your word and I place my friendship and trust in your word.  You screw that up and the foundation of my friendship and trust is blown ALL to hell.  It's happened.

I have less energy for the energy vampires out there and we all have them.  People who just try to suck the wind and juice out of you.  If you aren't willing to try and make changes to make things better then SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I don't have time for you anymore.

I've learned that this emotional trip has opened me to new friendships and experiences and I like it.  I still don't like crowds and prefer smaller settings with close friends but am not opposed to going to large parties.  Just not all the time.

I don't have time for fake and I find that at a lot of large parties.  People who will be nice to your face then spit on the floor when you walk away.  Don't like that.  See comment about energy vampires.

As I go through this emotional purging, my filter is getting thinner and thinner.  If you ask me a question and don't like the answer, don't get angry with me.  Check your own self cuz that's your issue, not mine.

And finally, you may not like me when all of this is over.  That's ok.  If you can't stick with me through this then...well...fuck off.  I needed to get rid of you in the first place.

BTW...I was 217 this morning.  Started at 24.5.  I'm 3lbs away from my 5% goal.  Bouyah!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012



I've started a journey.  I finally reached a point in which I was uncomfortable enough to do something about my weight so I started Weight Watchers.  After seeing how well my co-worker has done I figured it would work for me.

Apparently I was right because I see results on the scales.  I started at 224.5 and am now at 214.2.  I need to see change and I am or I get discouraged and quit.

It's also started an emotional purging.  I'm releasing old regrets, old memories. people, anything that is bad for me.  While this is a good thing, it's hard because those old regrets and memories had become like armor for me and to be stripping those away--well, it leaves me vulnerable, open and raw and in a state which would allow me to be easily taken advantage of so I have to stay on heightened alert which is exhausting.

It's necessary though.  I've written down feelings and regrets that I need to let go and have burned them.  I've done some other things to help release what I need to release.  And after doing that I feel freer but have to remain vigilant so that they don't creep back in.

It's a work in progress.  Hang with me through this.