19 Days

Before we're on the road to Florida. My oasis. My battery recharge pack. My sanity. I'm drawn to the water. I'm also drawn to the country. Probably a result of me being a Taurus and earth sign. I remember as a kid just wandering around in the woods, climbing trees, finding things. I also remember going to the beach once and just sitting at the edge of the surf picking up and letting dribble through my fingers the rough sand that is the Atlantic coast. I remember finding shark's teeth. I wish I knew what happened to them.

There's something about the pull of Mother Earth that keeps me grounded. No pun intended. There are those who prefer the hustle and bustle of big city life. Not me. This city is as big as I want. I'd be happy living on the coast or in the country. I grieve that my kids will never know what it's like to run out the back door on a summer's morning and not return until they're hungry. I miss that for them. There was such freedom then and no freedom now. Times change which is probably why I am so adamant that we still take this one vacation every year.

it's a time for the grown-ups to reconnect with the kids and vice versa. It's a time to heal and replenish and renew.

It's a time to sit in the sun and get some color back.

19 days.

Vacation Countdown

Florida. That glorious piece of land sitting right next to the gulf. Sugar white sand. No alarm clock. Just books, booze, beach and food.

We rent a house down there for a month beginning the first weekend after Labor Day. We save all year for it. My income tax refund goes for this trip. I drive a piece of crap boss truck so that I can afford a month on the beach. I don't buy new clothes very often. We make choices and sacrifices because going there is that important.

It's where I recharge and after this last year, man, do I need some recharging. I want to wake up in the morning and not give a damn about how many jobs I have to fill or how many investigations I have to do. I just want to wake up and find my coffee and stumble out onto the deck until it's time to go to the water.

I want peace and at this stage in my life, I feel I'm entitled to some of that. I feel my entire family is entitled to some of that. We have some rough times coming and need to enjoy what we have now because the memories we make now might be memories that my partner will be able to hang on to later.

I hope so, anyway. It's also nice because the boys still want to spend time with us. I know that will change as they get older so we book this vacation every year and will until we can't or it no longer does its job with us. I'll grieve that later. I'll grieve many things later but right now, I want to focus on making memories.

We leave in 27 days.

Here's a picture of the kitten we are fostering

His name is Kellen. He's about 4-5 weeks old and cute as a button.

We have good news!

So, a friend suggests that I send an email to Cindy Wolff with the Commercial Appeal and let her know what was going on about the kittens. I do. She writes me back and--long story short--she puts us in touch with the Director at the animal shelter. We weren't able to save the other babies but we did end up saving a cute as a button 4 week old kitten. We've also been set up to help with the rescue and adoption program.

Ernie was very nice and apologetic. He seems very eager to work with us and is grateful for our help. My partner has another meeting with him set up for Thursday. I'm not sure what details need to be worked out but am certain there are a few.

I don't think we could have done this without Cindy's help and we are eternally grateful to my friend to for the suggestion and to Cindy for the help. I'm sure it will be a great adventure from here.

I'll have pictures soon.

I am FURIOUS!!!

My partner was coming home from a secret shop out by the animal shelter and felt this overwhelming urge to go. Once she got there, she went on the cat side and saw in a cage 3 tiny not yet weened (or shouldn't be anyway) kittens. She went to the front and offered to foster them. They shouldn't have been there. There was no mother and here was NO way they were eating solid food. NOBODY at the shelter would let her bring them home and in fact, one of the workers said they usually just let them die.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS????? What happened to the crackshot director that was hired from Arizona, or where ever? What happened to compassion? What happened to common sense?

She has called twice and only gets voicemail. She has emailed twice and gets NO response. I'm sure those babies are dead. Left in a cage to slowly starve. I'm outraged. How could humans do this to a helpless, defenseless kitten?

I suggested we go back and just take them out. Let them arrest us. I'd love for this to hit the news. We're going to try again tomorrow but I'm betting that they're dead. Victims of uncaring, unthinking humans.

My Youngest and Japan

We put him on a plane Saturday morning for Los Angeles then Japan. Wow. 10 days in a foreign country halfway around the world. Wow. It's a little nerve-wracking. He'll be ok and it'll be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Can't really deny him that.

I'm still grinding my teeth over work and the nonsense going on there. Enough to make you crazy.

Denial Redux

Maybe I live in a state of denial. For those of you who
don't know, my partner was diagnosed 2 years ago with early onset. She was 44
at the time. That seems awfully young in my mind. She still functions fairly
well based on what I'm seeing. She does tire more easily than she used to but
is still able to travel and plan that travel. She keeps a blog and sometimes I
read things that she hasn't really talked about. This last post startled me a
little. She talked about sleeping more, leaving the boys to fend for themselves
during the day and not able to hold a thought for a day after her last trip to
Nashville.

See, I don't see that. I see her at home where she's
planning meals, cooking, cleaning, bathing, getting the boys where they need to
be. Maybe I'm living in denial or maybe I choose to be blind to it, I don't
know. What I DO know is that there are days when I'm angry, ANGRY at whatever
higher power who is supposedly in charge. And then I wonder if (insert your
god/goddess) really gets involved in the day to day. If there is a god, I have
to question why that god would do this to a person and a family, especially one
that has young children in it. It isn't helping that our 15 year old is angry
about this and acting out towards her. That is taking it's tole on my mental
and emotional health. Work is in a state of turmoil right now so I don't need
that tension when I come home but don't know how to fix
that.

And then there's the rest of my family. That's an entire post all by itself and maybe I'll tackle that soon. Suffice it to say, she isn't accepted there and neither are my kids. I won't put myself or them in that situation again.

And I'm scared to death of the day when she can no
longer take care of herself and what that means for the rest of us. I'm already
seeing the woman that I fell in love with fading away. I see the changes
including the personality changes. I know that if I met her today, I wouldn't
give her a second thought. I fell in love with the fire and opinion and fight,
not with what she has become and that's hard. People say that she's the same
person you fell in love with and I have to say, no she's
not.

This isn't like cancer or an accident that changes
someone's looks. I could deal better with that. This robs people of their
personality, their senses of humor, their interests and desires. All of which
is what I fell in love with, not her looks.

I don't know what the future holds. We take it a day
at a time and I continue to believe that a cure or better treatment is just
around the corner. it's the cynical side of me that believes that because
there's way too much money to be made for the pharmaceuticals NOT to find that
cure/treatment.

And here's what really makes me angry. Our government
is talking about bailing out all of those people who chose to live beyond their
means, who made irresponsible choices in home loans and yet, our government
won't recognize my relationship so that I could better take care of my partner.
We've followed the rules. We have made sacrifices so that we could live within
our means and we are punished. I can't get health insurance on her. We can't
afford a separate policy because of the expense. There are decisions that will
have to be made but I can't make them unless I have a piece of paper giving me
permission. I WANT to take care of her properly and can't.

20 years, we've been a couple. Next month, 16 years we
will have been parents twice but I can't provide healthcare for her. I'm angry
with the system and with this disease and lack of understanding for
both.