Sunday, February 6, 2011


I'm about tired of this cold weather.  Don't get me wrong, I love snow but I need the sunshine.  I need to feel it on my face or I begin to get really cranky.  Some would ask how to tell the difference between my sunny mood and my cloudy mood.  Phooey.  I know the difference. 

I don't know if it's the weather, winter in general or just stuff going on around the house that's causing my "loose ends" feeling.  There's some pressure here.  Financial.  Emotional.  Spiritual. 

I have a great family but we're an intense family and that is sometimes exhausting.  I'm the oldest child.  The hero child.  I tend to take on the burden of the world and carry it all the while ignoring the hernia it's giving me.  But here's the deal....there isn't much I can pass off here. 

I have a spouse who just had her knee replacement replaced.  Who started having seizures after the first replacement but who, by the grace of all that's holy, has been spared seizures this time.  She's also been diagnosed with early onset dementia.  I can see a difference.  I believe we've lost friends over it.  Friends who I thought would be there no matter what.  Friends who if we don't make contact, we would no longer hear from.  That's been an eye-opener and it's shown us who we really can count on and that's been a shocker because they aren't who I thought they would be but they have proven over and over that they will step up.

I have one son in college.  I want to give him the best college experience.  I want him to live on campus and have that experience and not have to worry about money because I didn't have that.  But honest to God, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it.  I'm just flying by the seat of my pants on that one.  It'll fall out where it falls out.  Some would chastise me for buying our RV but you know what?  How could I not when I have no idea how long my spouse will remember me or that we have one or will be able to travel.  Listen folks, live in the moment because the future ain't guaranteed.  So when I'm sending money to college and bitching about the expense of travel, I remember that she remembers still which takes the sting out.

I have another son who has some learning challenges and some emotional challenges.  There is a diagnosis which will not be named here.  Just know it's one that causes some tense moments in this house and at school.  He's brilliant.  Both sons are.  But he's also intense and moody and creative but is struggling to harness that brillance and turn it into doing homework.  He takes everything personally and internalizes and agonizes over it.  I worry about him.

And then there's work.  It used to be fun.  At the end of the day, I could always say I'd accomplished what I needed to do that day.  Not anymore.  It never lets up.  The whole atmosphere has changed.  It's not fun and it's taking a toll on me.  I am eligible to retire in 4 years.  Depending on what's happening there and at home...well, who knows what I'll do.

I'm bitching.  It's the weather.  I need sunlight which just proves that I'm no vampire.  You laugh.  I've been accused.  And for all of my ranting, we really do have it pretty good.  There's a freezer full of deer meat because we have good friends who love to hunt and are good at it.  We're working with another friend to put in our own vegetable garden so we'll have hormone free, chemical free, not genetically modified veggies for the coming year.  We have a house, transportation and can pay the utilities.  Some don't.

And we have Molly's once a week if we're lucky.

My life isn't as bad as I make it out to be.  It does get overwhelming sometimes.


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