I Know What's Wrong with Me

So, you know, I've been doing the weight loss journey which has started some emotional sloughing off as well.  And that's kind of interesting because as you know, when you lose a layer of skin, the layer underneath is very tender and sensitive to the slightest little things.  I'm finding that to be true now.  One emotional layer is lifted and the one revealed is just bloody hypersensitive.


As one also knows, when that layer heals, it's usually a little more rugged than the one before so, as the saying goes, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.  As each layer is revealed and allowed to heal, I only get stronger.


Maybe more honest with myself, which is just a frightening thing for me.  I've always been able to compartmentalize my life and I still do.  I'm good at it.  But, I'm finding that I don't have to do it as often as I used to.


I'm also learning that there are things that I just don't have time for.  For instance, a long, hard and fast rule for me is don't lie to me.  I can tolerate theft, a body check, an insult and hatred as long as it's honest.  I can't abide a liar because all you have is your word and I place my friendship and trust in your word.  You screw that up and the foundation of my friendship and trust is blown ALL to hell.  It's happened.


I have less energy for the energy vampires out there and we all have them.  People who just try to suck the wind and juice out of you.  If you aren't willing to try and make changes to make things better then SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I don't have time for you anymore.


I've learned that this emotional trip has opened me to new friendships and experiences and I like it.  I still don't like crowds and prefer smaller settings with close friends but am not opposed to going to large parties.  Just not all the time.


I don't have time for fake and I find that at a lot of large parties.  People who will be nice to your face then spit on the floor when you walk away.  Don't like that.  See comment about energy vampires.


As I go through this emotional purging, my filter is getting thinner and thinner.  If you ask me a question and don't like the answer, don't get angry with me.  Check your own self cuz that's your issue, not mine.


And finally, you may not like me when all of this is over.  That's ok.  If you can't stick with me through this then...well...fuck off.  I needed to get rid of you in the first place.


BTW...I was 217 this morning.  Started at 24.5.  I'm 3lbs away from my 5% goal.  Bouyah!

Journey

 

I've started a journey.  I finally reached a point in which I was uncomfortable enough to do something about my weight so I started Weight Watchers.  After seeing how well my co-worker has done I figured it would work for me.

Apparently I was right because I see results on the scales.  I started at 224.5 and am now at 214.2.  I need to see change and I am or I get discouraged and quit.

It's also started an emotional purging.  I'm releasing old regrets, old memories. people, anything that is bad for me.  While this is a good thing, it's hard because those old regrets and memories had become like armor for me and to be stripping those away--well, it leaves me vulnerable, open and raw and in a state which would allow me to be easily taken advantage of so I have to stay on heightened alert which is exhausting.

It's necessary though.  I've written down feelings and regrets that I need to let go and have burned them.  I've done some other things to help release what I need to release.  And after doing that I feel freer but have to remain vigilant so that they don't creep back in.

It's a work in progress.  Hang with me through this.

 

New Website

http://playhousestories.blogspot.com

 

In case anyone is interested.

It's been hot

And I feel guilty for not being busy outside.  Go figure.  Actually, I've felt this need to be outside for whatever reason.  I'm feeling closed in if I'm inside 6 walls.  I'm not sure what that's about.

I had a tarot reading not long ago that said money was coming and things were changing at work.  Not sure if they're related and not sure if my need to be outside is related to that.  Maybe the change at work is because I'm feeling squeezed where I am and I'm about to burst out.

Like the Hulk.

Only not turning green.

Maybe like the catepillar and the butterfly.

Change is coming, I feel it.

Happy New Year

Well, so far, it's been uneventful which is exactly how I like it.  Last year was a mess.  An emotional roller coaster that wore me the fuck OUT.  I'm not looking for a repeat.  

 

I've been reading all of the New Year's Resolutions that people are making.  "I resolve to lose weight or I resolve to eat less sugar or I resolve to...blah blah blah.  My resolution?  I resolve to be a grumpy hardass on only the days ending in Y.  How's that?  I'm pretty sure I can keep that one.  There are some I'd like to give a go at such as not eating sugar and refined white flour and white rice.  I'll give a go at not yelling at my children or spouse.  I'll give a go at have more compassion at work which means I'll be sympathetic when I fire someone.  I'll still fire them but I'll have feelings about it.  I'll give a go at not worrying about money and bills.  There is no debtors prison anymore so what's the worst that can happen?  I know how to live in a tent.

Moving on....

My horoscope for this year keeps talking about movement in my career.  Whatever.  Not seeing that happen because that would require that some people in my group leave and I don't see that happening for a long time soooooooooo.....

Anyway, it's a new year.  I have good friends and a good family.  My boys aren't in jail and haven't gotten anybody pregnant so I'm grateful for that.  I have a spouse that is still managing to run the household and do meaningful volunteer work which is remarkable.  All in all, I'm pretty happy even though I don't wear that happiness on my shirt sleeve.  No, that spot on my shirt sleeve is probably hotwing sauce.

I do have one wish and that is to be funny.  Making people laugh is a good thing.  I'll work on that.  On days ending in Y.  Those Y days are filling up with busy work already.  Jeez

Huh

That's just how this day feels.  So far, anyway.  It's early.

I have managed to finish painting the back of the house.  Now, that doesn't mean the eaves, just the main part of the siding and I have no intentions of apologizing for not painting the eaves.  Who looks at them anyway?  All that's left is the front part of the house then to tidy up the trim because let's just face it.  I was a little sloppy.  You would be too up on a 24' rickety aluminum ladder.  I inherited it somehow.  I don't even remember how I got it.  Doesn't matter because I need a new sturdier one to be safe. 

More ramble.

I think that tonight I'll light a fire in the firepit and watch what we call camp tv.  Why is fire so mesmerizing?  it's almost hypnotic.  Maybe it's the constant movement of the flames.  Maybe it's the color.  Maybe it's the heat.  Maybe it's what it represents to our deep, evolving psyche.  Fire helped to civilize us.  Or so we're taught.  I wonder sometimes if we're civilized yet.  Look at what we do to each other and are doing to our planet.  That's not civilized. 

What IS civilized anyway?  Using the proper fork?  Maybe.  Or maybe that's just manners and we should never mistake one for the other.  Hitler knew which was the appetizer fork and yet look what he did to his fellow humans. 

Civilized.  According to webster,

adjective  

1.

having an advanced or humane  culture, society, etc. (There's your arts, music, proper fork and knife and books)

2.

polite; well-bred; refined.  (Soooooo, bubba swamp person can't be civilized?  Hardly.)

3.

of or pertaining to civilized people: The civilized world must fight ignorance.  (Ignorance of what?  To listen to some politicians, half the population is ignorant and must be told what to think and how to act.  God KNOWS that women are incapable of making their own decisions about their own bodies and God FORBID that we should hold the men just as responsible.  Unless I'm mistaken, there is only one virgin pregnancy.  Takes sperm to fertilize that egg so why aren't we screaming at the men and boys to wrap that thing up and be responsible?  Because, people, everybody knows that women are the most powerful beings on the planet.  One flash of poonany and men just lose their minds.  They kill for it.  They compromise their careers for it.  They destroy nations for it.  They write books and music and plays and movies about it.  They can't control themselves because of it.  Ladies...we should harness this power.  Let's meet later over coffee and discuss it.  Men.  Ignorant fools.)

4.easy to manage or control; well organized or ordered: The car is quiet and civilized, even in sharp turns. (Well look at that.  "Easy to manage or control."  "Well organized or ordered."  This may be why the Occupy folks scare so many civilized people.  This may be why they have some politicians and rich bankers upset.  They're.....say it.............unCIVILIZED........gasp.  I'll bet that many in that group know what fork to use, are polite, well-bred--whatever THAT means-- and refined--whatever THAT means.  And still, they are uncivilized, according to some.  They are shaking and questioning the status quo.  They are not easy to manage.  They are not well organized (though some are getting better at it) and they are not ordered.  Chaos.  Chaos scares us because it's uncivilized.)

We kill each other.  Steal food from each other.  Subjugate each other and yet we have the audacity to call ourselves civilized.

 

Thanks.  I'll pass.  I can do without the culture and refinement if that's what makes me fit society's idea of civilized, if that's what lumps me in with those who are wreaking havoc on this planet and those who live on it.

 

Give me a fire and turkey leg and I'm happy.

Florida Bound

Seems like forever since we were there last but it's been only since March. Time for me to recharge again. I am drawn inexplicably to the ocean. I think it's the sensations of the sound and wind and rocking of the water, the rhythmic crashing of the waves and how they make smooth the roughness of the sand. In some ways they bring order to the chaos of the tiny grains. They wash away the footprints of those who walk by.

Life is chaos and I don't know about you but I do things--mundane things--to bring order to that chaos. Loading the dishwasher kills the chaos of the kitchen and the mess of feeding the family. Ironing kills the chaos of the wrinkles on the cloths. It puts sharp crisp lines in the pants where wrinkles and muss once were. Getting work off my desk brings order to the chaos of dealing with the mess of employees and humans in general.

Humans create chaos although almost every single one will tell you they hate it. They will tell you--myself included--that they prefer an ordered life and yet we do things that shake up that ordered life.

We have children. There's chaos multiplied. They are messy both physically and emotionally. We have husbands and wives and partners. They are messy. Some take on extra lovers. There's a mess and all the while we keep saying we prefer order. Crazy ain't it?

Life is messy. Life is chaotic. Human need the chaos to thrive. Put an animal in a cage with nothing to do and watch it go slowly crazy. Put a human in a cage with defined structure and order and watch it go crazy. Watch that human do something to create chaos. We aren't wired to do the same thing day in and day out. We need change. We need chaos.

Love is messy but we need it. We crave it. It's probably the most chaotic of all. It makes us crazy. We do things we wouldn't normally do. We fight. We make up after the fight. We do things to pick fights just so we can make up. We laugh and cry and get frustrated enough to chew our shoes. And yet, we look for it over and over as if we keep trying to find the perfect chaos.

We need chaos. But we also need something that gives us the illusion that we are taming that chaos. Conquering that chaos. For me, it's the ocean. It's ironing or cleaning the kitchen or hugging my children or hugging my wife. For those few moments I've killed the chaos monster knowing full well that in the next 2 minutes something will happen and the chaos monster will return.

I'm alive and I know it because chaos makes me feel it. Finding order makes me strong enough to defeat it and face it again.