My Youngest and Japan

We put him on a plane Saturday morning for Los Angeles then Japan. Wow. 10 days in a foreign country halfway around the world. Wow. It's a little nerve-wracking. He'll be ok and it'll be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Can't really deny him that.

I'm still grinding my teeth over work and the nonsense going on there. Enough to make you crazy.

Denial Redux

Maybe I live in a state of denial. For those of you who
don't know, my partner was diagnosed 2 years ago with early onset. She was 44
at the time. That seems awfully young in my mind. She still functions fairly
well based on what I'm seeing. She does tire more easily than she used to but
is still able to travel and plan that travel. She keeps a blog and sometimes I
read things that she hasn't really talked about. This last post startled me a
little. She talked about sleeping more, leaving the boys to fend for themselves
during the day and not able to hold a thought for a day after her last trip to
Nashville.

See, I don't see that. I see her at home where she's
planning meals, cooking, cleaning, bathing, getting the boys where they need to
be. Maybe I'm living in denial or maybe I choose to be blind to it, I don't
know. What I DO know is that there are days when I'm angry, ANGRY at whatever
higher power who is supposedly in charge. And then I wonder if (insert your
god/goddess) really gets involved in the day to day. If there is a god, I have
to question why that god would do this to a person and a family, especially one
that has young children in it. It isn't helping that our 15 year old is angry
about this and acting out towards her. That is taking it's tole on my mental
and emotional health. Work is in a state of turmoil right now so I don't need
that tension when I come home but don't know how to fix
that.

And then there's the rest of my family. That's an entire post all by itself and maybe I'll tackle that soon. Suffice it to say, she isn't accepted there and neither are my kids. I won't put myself or them in that situation again.

And I'm scared to death of the day when she can no
longer take care of herself and what that means for the rest of us. I'm already
seeing the woman that I fell in love with fading away. I see the changes
including the personality changes. I know that if I met her today, I wouldn't
give her a second thought. I fell in love with the fire and opinion and fight,
not with what she has become and that's hard. People say that she's the same
person you fell in love with and I have to say, no she's
not.

This isn't like cancer or an accident that changes
someone's looks. I could deal better with that. This robs people of their
personality, their senses of humor, their interests and desires. All of which
is what I fell in love with, not her looks.

I don't know what the future holds. We take it a day
at a time and I continue to believe that a cure or better treatment is just
around the corner. it's the cynical side of me that believes that because
there's way too much money to be made for the pharmaceuticals NOT to find that
cure/treatment.

And here's what really makes me angry. Our government
is talking about bailing out all of those people who chose to live beyond their
means, who made irresponsible choices in home loans and yet, our government
won't recognize my relationship so that I could better take care of my partner.
We've followed the rules. We have made sacrifices so that we could live within
our means and we are punished. I can't get health insurance on her. We can't
afford a separate policy because of the expense. There are decisions that will
have to be made but I can't make them unless I have a piece of paper giving me
permission. I WANT to take care of her properly and can't.

20 years, we've been a couple. Next month, 16 years we
will have been parents twice but I can't provide healthcare for her. I'm angry
with the system and with this disease and lack of understanding for
both.

I Felt Fear Yesterday

I read my SO's blog post...well, one of them, and felt fear for the first time since her diagnosis. She talked about how she's losing ground and must leave the boys to fend for themselves during the day. She talked about not being able to hold a thought after getting the boys to camp and Kendo practice. She talked about sleeping more. And I've noticed that she's eating more. I wonder if her brain thing has something to do with both of those.

For the first time, I had a brief glimpse of what my future possible holds. A partner that can't take care of herself.

And then she leaves me a voicemail talking about how she had to go to one of her volunteer positions and begin coordinating the Arts and Crafts fair. I'm confused. This disease is confusing and horrifying.

On top of all this, for the first time EVER, I had a tiny anxiety attack when I walked into the office. I work for an acting Manager that knows NOTHING about the department he's been put over. Who does NOTHING to help with the work load. Who has NO idea what he's doing and can 't make a decision on his own to save his life. I bet he can't go to the bathroom without calling the VP to ask how to do it.

I was ready to quit.

Thankfully, it passed. Hopefully, things will change soon.

Some Things You Never Want to Hear Your Partner Say to Your Son

"I don't care if you DO have a stiffy. I need to get in there and feed my cat."

He's 13 and guess what has come alive. Yup. God love him. The thing has developed a mind of its own. I'm sure the males reading this will be able to sympathize.

All I'm thinking is here we go again.

A Lazy Sunday

My oldest and I went to a local fish store to replace my recently departed Yellow Tang. We got there an hour before it opened so we had some time to kill. Now, he "claims" he doesn't like to shop but he sure had fun going with me to the dollar store and RadioShack. He's quite talkative when he's not in a crowd. Any of our friends who have spent time with him one-on-one have noticed and remarked about that.

He spent a week in Nashville at a game programming camp with several other 15 - 17 year olds. When my SO picked him up, the camp director told her thank you for sending such a well-behaved child. Apparently he made an impression. I'm proud of him. That doesn't negate the fact that on any given day I want to strangle him. It just keeps me from doing it.

My youngest and I went on an 84 mile motorcycle ride yesterday. It was great fun. He loves the bike almost as much as I do. I'm pretty sure his butt was mush when we finally stopped and I think he went to sleep right on time last night. Not that I'd take him on an 80 mile ride everyday just to make him sleep but it sure is tempting.

All in all, it was a good day.

Bela Fleck does it again

What he does with a banjo is just amazing.

It's 5:09AM and....

There are just some things a woman shouldn't have to do this early in the morning. Our sweet precious cat, who belongs to our youngest, is a fierce hunter. She lays low in the outback that is our back yard and stealthily stalks her prey.

This morning, I happened to be in the kitchen pouring my first cup of coffee when I heard the great hunter come in through the animal door. Lo and behold there she was with a BIG FAT RAT in her mouth.

She was SO proud. She tried to put it at my feet in adoration.

I had other thoughts. I shooed her outside toot-sweet. She played with it for a moment, I guess hoping it would come alive and play back. Who knows why cats play with their food? I came back in the house and sat down to read the news and enjoy my coffee.

She had other thoughts. In she came very quietly. I knew she was in the house only by the jingle of the tags on her collar. I went to to check and didn't see the BIG FAT RAT at first. I think she was laying on it trying to hide it. It showed up after I walked back in the room from checking the bathroom which is where she usually deposits her kills. I guess she thinks it would be easier to clean up in there. After all, butcher shops are tiled.

Anyway, I picked it up with gloves on and took it to the trash.

In my underwear. God love my neighbors.

I'm pretty sure it was a male.

No female has anything that big between her legs.

I picked it up by its tail which is how I caught a glimpse of that package.

God love the females.