I Felt Fear Yesterday

I read my SO's blog post...well, one of them, and felt fear for the first time since her diagnosis. She talked about how she's losing ground and must leave the boys to fend for themselves during the day. She talked about not being able to hold a thought after getting the boys to camp and Kendo practice. She talked about sleeping more. And I've noticed that she's eating more. I wonder if her brain thing has something to do with both of those.

For the first time, I had a brief glimpse of what my future possible holds. A partner that can't take care of herself.

And then she leaves me a voicemail talking about how she had to go to one of her volunteer positions and begin coordinating the Arts and Crafts fair. I'm confused. This disease is confusing and horrifying.

On top of all this, for the first time EVER, I had a tiny anxiety attack when I walked into the office. I work for an acting Manager that knows NOTHING about the department he's been put over. Who does NOTHING to help with the work load. Who has NO idea what he's doing and can 't make a decision on his own to save his life. I bet he can't go to the bathroom without calling the VP to ask how to do it.

I was ready to quit.

Thankfully, it passed. Hopefully, things will change soon.

Some Things You Never Want to Hear Your Partner Say to Your Son

"I don't care if you DO have a stiffy. I need to get in there and feed my cat."

He's 13 and guess what has come alive. Yup. God love him. The thing has developed a mind of its own. I'm sure the males reading this will be able to sympathize.

All I'm thinking is here we go again.

A Lazy Sunday

My oldest and I went to a local fish store to replace my recently departed Yellow Tang. We got there an hour before it opened so we had some time to kill. Now, he "claims" he doesn't like to shop but he sure had fun going with me to the dollar store and RadioShack. He's quite talkative when he's not in a crowd. Any of our friends who have spent time with him one-on-one have noticed and remarked about that.

He spent a week in Nashville at a game programming camp with several other 15 - 17 year olds. When my SO picked him up, the camp director told her thank you for sending such a well-behaved child. Apparently he made an impression. I'm proud of him. That doesn't negate the fact that on any given day I want to strangle him. It just keeps me from doing it.

My youngest and I went on an 84 mile motorcycle ride yesterday. It was great fun. He loves the bike almost as much as I do. I'm pretty sure his butt was mush when we finally stopped and I think he went to sleep right on time last night. Not that I'd take him on an 80 mile ride everyday just to make him sleep but it sure is tempting.

All in all, it was a good day.

Bela Fleck does it again

What he does with a banjo is just amazing.

It's 5:09AM and....

There are just some things a woman shouldn't have to do this early in the morning. Our sweet precious cat, who belongs to our youngest, is a fierce hunter. She lays low in the outback that is our back yard and stealthily stalks her prey.

This morning, I happened to be in the kitchen pouring my first cup of coffee when I heard the great hunter come in through the animal door. Lo and behold there she was with a BIG FAT RAT in her mouth.

She was SO proud. She tried to put it at my feet in adoration.

I had other thoughts. I shooed her outside toot-sweet. She played with it for a moment, I guess hoping it would come alive and play back. Who knows why cats play with their food? I came back in the house and sat down to read the news and enjoy my coffee.

She had other thoughts. In she came very quietly. I knew she was in the house only by the jingle of the tags on her collar. I went to to check and didn't see the BIG FAT RAT at first. I think she was laying on it trying to hide it. It showed up after I walked back in the room from checking the bathroom which is where she usually deposits her kills. I guess she thinks it would be easier to clean up in there. After all, butcher shops are tiled.

Anyway, I picked it up with gloves on and took it to the trash.

In my underwear. God love my neighbors.

I'm pretty sure it was a male.

No female has anything that big between her legs.

I picked it up by its tail which is how I caught a glimpse of that package.

God love the females.

Ducks and stuff

I was heading to Home Depot yesterday to get propane refills and while driving down a midtown street--in the heart of midtown, mind you--what do I see crossing the road? A mama, daddy and 4 baby ducks. Kid you not. Out for a Saturday afternoon stroll. I had to wave down an on-coming truck so the wouldn't get hit. They wandered up in someone's backyard I guess because I saw no sign of them on my drive home.

is that good luck? Should be. They were mallards, I think. Don't those have the green heads?

I went fishing with a friend yesterday afternoon. We caught 3 hand-sized perch. My fishing buddy called them shell crackers. I've never heard of that. I've only heard of sun perch or bull gill bream. I'm guessing they're the same thing, just a different name. We gave them to an older couple that was fishing and had a stringer almost full. Not really worth it to clean 3 fish. We're looking for someplace better to go. I think no matter what, if we want better catches we're going to have to get a boat. Just a 2 person fiberglass would be great.

It's quiet in the house right now. The oldest is away at computer camp. My SO and youngest drove up yesterday to pick him up. The youngest had Kendo practice this morning and the oldest is released at 4. They'll drive home and chaos will once again rule supreme in this household.

The silence takes me back to when we lived separately. I enjoyed it but found that I got bored and restless and would find things to do that would sometimes cause me trouble. Like a home improvement project or a half-baked attempt at gardening. I love my family but there's heartache associated with it. The 15 year old has developed an attitude and the 13 year old his honing his. It's exhausting. Not to mention trying to make sure the SO is still able to handle them and everything that comes with it.

All I really want is peace. And to win the lottery. That wouldn't suck because then I could move to peace. Boarding school is a wonderful thing.

I need to go iron. And thaw something for dinner. And take a nap.

Dementia

A film crew was here for the last 2 days filming us. They asked how dementia has affected our lives. Quite a bit, actually. My SO has had to cut back on her activities but she is still able to manage this family. In fact, she leaves Saturday morning to take our oldest to Nashville for a computing camp and our youngest for a Kendo practice. She's planned it and mapped it out. She still manages that.

We bought a Tomtom to help her. I'm still trying to figure out a way to claim that as a medical expense. If anybody else out there has managed that, let me know.

Anyway, it came in handy for getting the producer to the airport. It corrected my SO's route after a wrong turn and they made it just fine.

I know what's coming with this dementia. I'm not ready to give up yet. I was filmed saying that if one believe's in a God then one must ask why? Why this? Why her? Why the children? Why me? We haven't done anything to deserve this. There is no good answer and probably never will be.

This is an ugly, horrible disease. It robs the family of a partner, parent and loved one. It's awful. And I don't think that America is ready for what's about to happen to it. Medical care is inadequate at best. Research is underfunded. Something's got to give soon.

I hold out hope that a cure is just around the corner.