Blah

I'm about tired of this cold weather.  Don't get me wrong, I love snow but I need the sunshine.  I need to feel it on my face or I begin to get really cranky.  Some would ask how to tell the difference between my sunny mood and my cloudy mood.  Phooey.  I know the difference. 

I don't know if it's the weather, winter in general or just stuff going on around the house that's causing my "loose ends" feeling.  There's some pressure here.  Financial.  Emotional.  Spiritual. 

I have a great family but we're an intense family and that is sometimes exhausting.  I'm the oldest child.  The hero child.  I tend to take on the burden of the world and carry it all the while ignoring the hernia it's giving me.  But here's the deal....there isn't much I can pass off here. 

I have a spouse who just had her knee replacement replaced.  Who started having seizures after the first replacement but who, by the grace of all that's holy, has been spared seizures this time.  She's also been diagnosed with early onset dementia.  I can see a difference.  I believe we've lost friends over it.  Friends who I thought would be there no matter what.  Friends who if we don't make contact, we would no longer hear from.  That's been an eye-opener and it's shown us who we really can count on and that's been a shocker because they aren't who I thought they would be but they have proven over and over that they will step up.

I have one son in college.  I want to give him the best college experience.  I want him to live on campus and have that experience and not have to worry about money because I didn't have that.  But honest to God, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it.  I'm just flying by the seat of my pants on that one.  It'll fall out where it falls out.  Some would chastise me for buying our RV but you know what?  How could I not when I have no idea how long my spouse will remember me or that we have one or will be able to travel.  Listen folks, live in the moment because the future ain't guaranteed.  So when I'm sending money to college and bitching about the expense of travel, I remember that she remembers still which takes the sting out.

I have another son who has some learning challenges and some emotional challenges.  There is a diagnosis which will not be named here.  Just know it's one that causes some tense moments in this house and at school.  He's brilliant.  Both sons are.  But he's also intense and moody and creative but is struggling to harness that brillance and turn it into doing homework.  He takes everything personally and internalizes and agonizes over it.  I worry about him.

And then there's work.  It used to be fun.  At the end of the day, I could always say I'd accomplished what I needed to do that day.  Not anymore.  It never lets up.  The whole atmosphere has changed.  It's not fun and it's taking a toll on me.  I am eligible to retire in 4 years.  Depending on what's happening there and at home...well, who knows what I'll do.

I'm bitching.  It's the weather.  I need sunlight which just proves that I'm no vampire.  You laugh.  I've been accused.  And for all of my ranting, we really do have it pretty good.  There's a freezer full of deer meat because we have good friends who love to hunt and are good at it.  We're working with another friend to put in our own vegetable garden so we'll have hormone free, chemical free, not genetically modified veggies for the coming year.  We have a house, transportation and can pay the utilities.  Some don't.

And we have Molly's once a week if we're lucky.

My life isn't as bad as I make it out to be.  It does get overwhelming sometimes.

 

Trip to Fort Pickens State Park for Christmas

Just a few pics to share.

Beautiful and peaceful.

Not a Politics Expert

...but I recognize bullshit when I step in it and Pickler is spreading bullshit everywhere.  I have a garden area that needs some of what he's dishing out.  Seriously, does he really believe that we need two functioning school systems?  I bet he doesn't, honestly.  But that lilly white boy doesn't have the first clue about how to deal with those frightening dark people that are about to come his way.

 

I call COWARD and RACIST and BIGOT and whatever other name I can think of to call him.

 

I'd also like to ask him how that foot tastes and offer up some A-1.  A-1 make feet and bullshit taste better.

Apparently, I haven't had much to say for the last few months.

That's not exactly true. I've had lots to say but by the time I sit down at the computer, I have either forgotten what it was or the moment and the passion about it has passed. I must be an emotional writer. I'd probably starve if I had to do it for money. I'd probably starve if I had to do a lot of things for money. I guess it's good I do what I do then isn't it?

This year has been a rough year in this house. We transitioned one son out to college and we've dealt with growing and emotional pains with the other son. He has transitioned to a new school and seems to be doing well there although, I suspect he wasn't prepared for the amount of work he was going to have to do. That's been an eye-opener for all of us. There have been some emotional disappointments for my wife.

Through it all--all the ugly--all the nasty--all the unfortunate choice of works, the screaming, the tears, we have managed to remain a pretty strong family unit. It hasn't been easy and still isn't and won't be for the foreseeable future. I guess it's like the body. As long as the core is strong, the body will function better. Our core is strong.

Diane goes in for a revision on her bionic knee. It needs to be done. There's no reason she should be living in pain after a knee replacement when everyone I talk to who has had it done is now pain free. I wonder if we should sue the first surgeon who screwed it up? Thoughts?

We're all a little nervous about this surgery given what we went through the last time. I think we're better prepared including the doctors who have been working with each other to form a plan. I shouldn't worry. But I do.

We're spending Christmas at the beach. It's always good for us to get away there. We all tend to recharge and reground. My youngest needs that. So do the rest of us but he seems to be the most at odds with himself than the rest of us.

A karmic break would be nice. Figuring out what I'm supposed to be learning this time around would be nice. Peace in my house, head and heart would be nice.

I'm rambling. I have gifts to wrap for the family. And to the rest of you, I'll be making a donation to the Ronald McDonald on your behalf.

WTH??

Does Fullilove have brain damage?

End of Summer

It's quickly approaching.  The youngest has already started classes at his new school and so far seems to be doing well.  I suspect the heavy load hasn't hit yet and will be a real eye-opener when it does.

The oldest moves into his college dorm Friday.  I can hardly believe it.  He turned 18 on the 11th and I can hardly believe that as well.  He has all of the stuff he's taking packed up and in the middle of the living room floor.  I'm not sure if it's a monument or a wall.   Or just an effort to make sure he doesn't forget anything.

I know kids go to college all the time and succeed but I worry.  I hope he's prepared.  I hope we've done what we were supposed to do to get him ready for this day and for the rest of the days.  I think he's a little nervous because he's been testy that last week or so.  I guess we all have our days but jeez o pete, he's had a string of them.  Doesn't help that there's other tension in the house.  So much going on and no end in sight.

Retirement is looking better and better.

June 27, 2010

The youngest is in a 2 week on-campus math camp. I will assume he's doing well because we haven't gotten a phone call from him or the counselors. This is a good sign. It's also been very very quiet in the house. I'm getting half a look at the empty nest. The oldest is still here but will be moving on campus for his freshman year of college. Who would have thought that almost 18 years ago we would be one day preparing to send our oldest off to college? Good lord, back then I was wondering when he was going to sleep through the night or eat something green besides a crayon.

And here we are....weeks away from sending him out into the world. Sort of. He'll still be on campus surrounded by people who will have some watchful eye on him. It's not a lot but it's something. And he's far enough away that he won't have us breathing down his neck but close enough that if something major happens we can swoop in.

I worry. He's not the most organized human I've ever dealt with and I can only hope that he'll manage once he gets to school. He's responsible enough. He continued going to high school after we had to take his brother out and he never begged to miss or whined about him having to go when his brother didn't. That gives me hope that he'll do well in college. He's competitive enough to make the grades so I'm not terribly worried there although I don't think he was challenged enough in high school so he may be in for a shock in college.

As for all of the advice that our friends have been giving the oldest......he knows better.

I think.

I wonder what it will be like with just the youngest here. He'll have 2 years to experience life as an only. The oldest had it before his brother was born be he doesn't really remember. The youngest will have an advantage there.....provided I don't kill him and cut him up for chili.

There have been moments....

I do have to say that both children are very different when the brother isn't around. I'm hoping that holds true beginning in August. We'll see.

It's quiet right now.

I like it.